Well, for my part
I would just like to say, Warren, as the new guy
taking over for you I hope I can fill your shoes
because from the looks of people here
and what they think about you
they sure seem awfully big.
As most of you know I just moved here recently
from Des Moines, with my wife, Patty here
and Kimberly, our 14-month old
you all have made us feel so welcome
and Warren, I want you to feel just as welcome to
drop by the office to visit any time you want
In fact
as we've been discussing last couple of weeks
I might have some questions to ask you about our various products
like the new Universal Life Policy we're launching next month
and...
well, anyway, here's to you, Warren.
Hey, Warren, how do you feel about these
young punks taking over our jobs?
Seems like some kind of conspiracy to me.
Now, I've known Warren here
probably longer than most of you people have been alive
Warren and I go way back... way back
to the horse and buggy days at Woodman... but that's ancient history
Anyway, I know something about retirement
and what I want to say...
to you out loud, Warren... so all these young hotshot can hear
is that all those gifts there...
don't mean a God damn thing
and this dinner doesn't mean a God damn thing
and social security and pension don't mean a God damn thing
none of these superficialities mean a God damn thing.
What means something...
what really means something, Warren...
is the knowledge that you devoted your life
to something meaningful
To being productive
and working for a fine company. Hell...
one of top rated insurance carriers in nation
to raising a fine family, to building a fine home
to being respected by your community
to having wonderful lasting friendships
At the end of his career, if a man...
can look back and say
I did it, I did my job
then he can retire in glory
and enjoy riches far beyond the monetary kind
So, all you young people here
take a good look at a very rich man
I love you buddy
I'll be right back
- Good evening - vodka Gimlette please
Coming right up
Hello?
Hi, honey
Yeah, we just got in we just walked in the door
yeah, he is, just a minute
Warren, here on the phone it's Jeannie
Jeannie? How are you doing?
Oh, it went just fine, yeah nice event
I know, but don't give it another thought
you got bigger fish to fry
I know, we'll see you out there real soon anyway
What?
Yeah, did I get the robe? Yes
that was quite an item
you sure went overboard.
From you and Randall. I see.
Well, thank you both
it sure going to come in handy now
You bet ya
Okay
Bye now
Did you thank Randall?
- I did - What did he say?
I just told Jeannie
You didn't thank him personally?
No
- Why not? - He didn't come to the phone
Why not?
I don't know he didn't come to phone
You should have asked for him
You should make an effort
he's going to be your son-in-law and you hardly know him
I know him well enough
I wish you'd try to be more positive
she's lucky to have him
Yeah
You know
my father didn't think so much of you at first
Where to, mister ?
Looks like you need a ride
Surprise
I thought it'd be fun to have breakfast in here today
you know, see what it'll be like
Fine
Isn't this fun?
Well, sort of gives us a rough idea
We're going to have a lot of good times in here, Warren
Yep
Here's to a whole new chapter
... Angela Landsbury for Child Reach, and we need people who want to help
throughout the world
in many of the poorest countries
there is a wonderful organization called Child Reach
that is making a profound difference in lives of
children just like these
For just $22 a month just 72 cents a day
you can become a Child Reach sponsor
and not only personally touch the life of a needy boy or girl overseas
but also help the child's family and community
Think of it, just $22 a month
and a little girl like this
will never feel the agony of dysentery from dirty water
a child like this will be able to go to school to learn... and grow
I'm so glad you've watched
but now that you have, what are you going to do?
No, pity and guilt won't help. The answer is Child Reach.
For a needy child, family and community overseas...
Well, I'm glad to hear Glenn...
Right... Oh no, no you're buttering me up now...
I can't take all the credit for that
No, no, I did use a calculator
That's my motto
Alrighty
Bye-bye
Hey! There he is what do you say, partner?
Pretty good. How are you doing?
Not too shabby
Well, I see you're all moved in.
Oh yeah, so what brings you by this neck of woods?
Oh, I was just driving by...
thought I'd pop up and see what kind of trouble you've been getting into
You know, keeping busy
And I wanted to make sure that
you don't have any more questions about
those pre-teen mortality risk models that I was working on
I know they seem pretty straight forward at first but
No, no, I think I got pretty good handle on things
you did a super job of hand everything over
just super smooth sailing all the way
Because I have been concerned about some of those items
that I walked you through slipping through cracks
you know, it's kind of been nagging at me
Nope, heck, a business degree from Drake aught to be worth somethin'
If anything bubble up to surface, Warren, I'll make sure to give you a holler.
you can bet on that
I got to get to a meeting out west
You want to take the elevator down with me?
- Okay, sure… - Great
Great to see you looking good
- Thank you - You been working out?
Hi
How'd it go at the office?
Oh, fine
Good thing I stopped by
Turns out he needed my help with a couple of loose ends
That's wonderful
Dear Ndugu
My name is Warren R Schmidt
and I am your new foster father
alright...
I live in Omaha, Nebraska
my older brother Harry lives in Roanoke, Virginia
with his wife Estelle
Harry lost a leg 2 years ago to diabetes
I am 66 years old and...
recently retired as assistant vice president and
actuary at Woodman of the World Insurance Company.
and God damn it if they didn't replace me with some kid who...
Allright… so maybe he's got a little theory under his belt
and can plug a few numbers into computer
but I can tell right off that he doesn't know a damn thing
about genuine real world risk assessment
or managing a department for that matter. Cocky bastard!
Anyway
66 must sound pretty old to a young fellow like yourself
The truth is, it sounds pretty old to me too
because, when I look into the mirror
and see the wrinkles around my eyes
and sagging skin on my neck, and the hair in my ears
and the veins on my ankles
I can't believe it's really me
When I was a kid
I used to think that maybe I was special
that, somehow destiny had tapped me to be a great man
Not like Henry Ford or Walt Disney or somebody like that
but somebody, you know, semi-important.
I got a degree in business and statistics
and was planning to start my own business someday
build it up into a big corporation
watch it go public, you know...
maybe make the Fortune 500.
I was going to be one of those guys you read about.
but, somehow, it just didn't work out that way.
You got to remember I had a top-notch job at Woodman, and...
a family to support
I couldn't exactly put their security at risk.
Helen, that's my wife
she wouldn't have allowed it.
But what about my family, you might ask
What about my wife and daughter
Don't they give me all the pride and satisfaction I could ever want?
Helen and I have been married 42 years.
Lately, every night, I find myself asking the same question.
Who is this old woman who lives in my house?
Why is every little thing she does irritates me?
Like the way she gets the keys out of her purse
long before we reach the car
and how she throws our money away
on her ridiculous little collections.
and tossing out perfectly good food
just because the expiration date is passed
and her obsession, her obsession with trying new restaurants.
Seafood buffet. Let's go there Sunday.
and the way she cuts me off when I try to speak.
And I hate the way she sits
and the way she smells
For years now, she has insisted that I sit
when I urinate
My promised to lift the seat and wipe the rim and put the seat back down
wasn't good enough for her... no.
But then there's Jeannie
she's our only
I'll bet she'd like you.
She gets a big kick out of different languages and cultures and so-forth.
She used to get by pretty good in German.
She'll always be my little girl.
She lives out in Denver, so
we don't get to see her much any more
Oh sure, we stay in touch by phone every couple of weeks and
she comes out for the holidays sometimes, but
not as often as we'd like.
She has position of some responsibility out there with the high tech computer outfit, so...
very hard for her to break away.
Recently, she got engaged, so I
I suppose we'll be seeing even less of her now.
The fellow's name is Randall Hertzel
He's got a sales job of some sort
Maybe Jeannie is little past her prime
but I still think she could have done a heck of a lot better.
when this guy's just not up to snuff, if you ask me...
not for my little girl.
I'll close now and get this in mail
Here I am rambling on and on, and you
probably want to hurry on down and cash that check
and get yourself something to eat
so, take it easy... and...
best of luck with all your endeavors
Yours, very truly, Warren Schmidt
Honey...
I'm going out to mail letter do you need anything?
No, don't dilly dally.
And I have, umm, been doing some research reading on this
actually looked at a couple of pieces of video
and it just amazes me
the liberals and the media continue to now look for a dark lining here
in a silver cloud.
Have you noticed...
What can I get for ya?
Umm... I'll have a blizzard with vanilla ice cream.
What would you like in it?
I'll have some...
Reese's Pieces, and some...
cookie dough.
- What size? - Medium
Helen?
Helen
What's the matter? Honey?
Helen?
Oh! Helen!
Before we go any further, Warren,
I wanted to just go over some of the expenses with you
what we do is we itemize all our charges and break them down into different categories
our professional services, our embalming and other preparational bodies
those figures would total up to about $1550
and for the use of our facilities and equipment and staff
for the visitation and the funeral service
In addition to that, we have some other expenses
out at the cemetery
charges will total about $1000 and in addition to that...
we also have the casket... ...total up to about $2000...
and finally the use of our automobiles...
$430
Any questions or anything about that?
What if I drive myself?
Well, we certainly... I want to tell you about anger...
That anger's okay
God can handle it, if we're angry at him
and I'll tell you why...
Nine years...
We're going to miss Helen so much
She was the greatest woman...
just the sweetest warmest, most wonderful woman
I know
We're praying for you, Warren
And if there is anything you need you call us, okay?
- OK - OK?
- OK - OK, really now
Ya, right, ya...
I can't believe it, Warren, I still can't believe it.
I know, Ray, I know.
She was just...
she was too young
She was just... so...
I know, Ray, I thank you
You're a good friend, Ray.
You take care of yourself, Warren.
You too, Ray, thanks for everything.
See you real soon.
Nice of people to bring all this food.
All these cold cuts...
there'll be a lot of leftovers
She was a... very special lady.
I, for one, am really gonna miss her
I miss her already
I know we all do
Let's drink to her
Here's to Helen
They broke the mold
Helen
We love you, we miss you, we always will.
How are you doing? You doing okay?
Fine
- Sure? - Yeah
Must be really tough
I remember when my aunt died
it was so unreal, it was 4th of July
I'll never forget it
So, listen, Warren...
I know now's definitely not the time to talk about it, but
if before we leave you want to like a few minutes
take your mind off all of this craziness
there's something real important I want to talk to you about
What's that?
It's an investment opportunity it's really exiting...
and I want to get you in on ground floor with me.
and it's not a pyramid scheme
a lot of people think it's a pyramid scheme
But it's not...
it's almost guaranteed you can double your money
maybe even triple it in the first year alone
The thing is, Warren
I'm not going to be selling waterbeds forever
I got plans.
we haven't had much chance to talk about it you and I but
I got pretty good business head on me
and you know, I've been going to a lot of seminars lately...
and listening to a lot of tapes...
- Mayonnaise or mustard? - I like both.
and, don't toast the bread too much I don't like my bread very toasted.
and I'll have some of those BBQ potato chips
not the plain ones... those are your mother's
the BBQ's are mine
In fact you, and Randall can take those plain ones
they'll just go to waste here. I won't eat them.
Maybe you can eat them on the plane
Fine
So good to see you
I sure wish you didn't have to get back so soon.
Can't you take a few days more?
Couldn't you just talk to them at work? I mean...
they'd understand.
Heck, who's going to take care of me?
- Here's your sandwich. - Ah... wonderful, just wonderful.
You know, Dad
you're going to have to get used to taking care of yourself now.
I know, I know
You might have to hire a maid.
A maid?
On no, I'll be alright
I don't need extra expense.
At least for a few weeks while you're dealing with this
That's why I'm asking you to stay to help me out.
Dad, I told you. I wish I could
but I can't. I've got too much going on.
Even if I could get more time off...
I got the wedding.
that's a full time job all its own.
Well, now that you mention it honey, I...
think you should consider postponing it.
Postpone the wedding?
We can't do that... It's all set.
I'm just saying you might want to take this opportunity to...
rethink things. That's all.
But, everyone's invited and RSVPed and everything.
They'd understand, I mean, out of respect for your mother.
She would have approved.
Mom wouldn't want us to change anything.
The thing is, Jeannie,
your mother and I spoke a number of times very seriously...
about you and Randall
and what did she say?
Just that she loved you and she wanted you to be very happy, and
maybe this thing with Randall, well
She just wanted to make sure you don't have any regrets, that's all.
so you might want to keep your options open
But she helped us pick the date.
And I was on phone with her almost everyday
planning it and ordering things
I really don't know what you're talking about
I don't think mom would want us to change it at all...
Alright, OK, have it your way. You know best, you and your mother.
Good sandwich
Dad
Why did you get such a cheap casket?
What?
I could tell you got the cheapest casket
Everybody could
That is not true
I specifically did not choose, as you say, the cheapest casket
There was one less expensive which they showed me
and I refused it.
You mean a pine box?
I don't remember what it was.
She waited on you hand and foot.
Couldn't you have splurged on her just once?
What are you talking about?
What about the Winnebego out there?
What do you call that? That's an expensive vehicle.
I didn't want to get it but I did
That was completely your mother's idea.
She told me she had to pay for like half of it
She said she had to sell some of her stock to pay for it
Well, that was her decision!
I was willing to go as far as the 'Minnie Winni' but no,
she had to have the 'Adventurer'
she wanted the whole shebang
What was I supposed to do? Tell her she couldn't?
It was her money
no, no, no, you can't call me to task on that one.
No, sir!
- Jean - In here, Randall
- Where? - In here, in here!
Oh hey, there you are
30 minute warning, you'd better get packed.
Hey Randall, did you tell dad about that book?
That's right, I forgot
Say, Warren, have you ever read
"When Bad Things Happen to Good People"?
- No - It's really amazing
it really helped me out when my aunt died...
You should read it.
When me and Jeannie get back to Denver, I'll send you my copy.
The workbook too... I did most of the exercises, but
you can write your answers in next to mine.
"Final boarding call for Midwest Express flight 420, Denver, Colorado"
So long, Randall
You'll be in our prayers. And I'll call you about that thing, OK?
Okay, thank you
Well, Jeannie
Take care yourself, Dad
Awe, that's a good one. It's going to be a really great shot.
Ya, really cool.
Ya, I got the plane in the background too.
Bye Dad
So long, Jeannie
See you in a few weeks, OK?
Okay
Bye, Warren, you take care.
Dear Ndugu
I hope you're sitting down because...
I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Since I last wrote to you, my
wife, Helen, your foster mother
passed away very suddenly from a blood clot in her brain
The services were lovely and very well attended.
Jeannie came in from Denver with her friend
folks drove up from as far away as Des Moines and Wichita
it was a very moving tribute any way you look at it.
I wish you could have been there.
but, now all the excitement is over
and the smoke is cleared, it's...
just me and my thoughts knocking around in this big old house.
I believe I mentioned in my previous letter
that I was an actuary
at Woodman of the World Insurance Company.
If I am given a man's age, race, profession
place of residence
marital status and medical history
I can calculate with great probability
how long that man will live.
In my own case now that my wife has died
there is a 73% chance that I will die within 9 years
provided that I do not remarry
all I know is
I've got to make best of whatever time I have left.
Life is short, Ndugu
And I can't afford to waste another minute.
Now, I don't want to kid you...
adjusting to life without Helen has been quite a challenge.
but I think you'd be proud of me.
Yup, this house is under new management, but...
you'd never know the difference.
Oh sure, sometimes I can be a tad forgetful and...
miss a meal or two, but...
I guess that's hardly worth mentioning to someone in your situation.
Helen wouldn't want me sitting around wallowing in self-pity, no siree Bob.
Why, she'd tell me to shape up, or ship out.
So, I try to get out much as I can. You know, try to stay active.
stick to my routine
That's very important in the face of big changes in life.
Oh sure, I'm not quite the cook like Helen was, but...
I remember a trick or two from my bachelor days.
It's a lot of work keeping household together and I suppose eventually
I'll sell the place and move to a little condo
you know, less upkeep and so forth...
but for now, I'm getting by just fine.
It occurred to me that in my last letter I might have misspoken and
used some negative language in reference to my late wife.
but you have to understand that
I was under a lot of pressure following my retirement.
I'm not going to lie to you, Ndugu
It's been rough few weeks
And I've been pretty... you know...
broken up from time to time.
I miss her
I miss my Helen
I guess I just didn't know how lucky I was to have a wife like Helen and...
'til she was gone.
Remember that, young man
you've got to appreciate what you have
while you still have it.
Jesus, Warren, you scared me. What are you doing here?
I thought you might want these back.
That was so long ago, Warren, it's 25, 30 years I mean, awe Jesus.
I never thought...
she kept these? I can't believe she kept these.
Stop hitting me!
Let's talk about this.
you were my friend.
It was all a big mistake.
I mean you went up to Frisco and...
things started up and we just got out of hand that's all
I am sorry
You've reached Moondog Electronics
If you know your party's ext...
Shipping and receiving this is Jeannie
Jeannie? It's Dad How are ya?
Hey, I'm totally swamped Dad, what's up?
Well, I have a big surprise for ya...
- Guess what? - What?
I'm on the road. I'm on my way out to see you.
Right now, I'm just outside Grand Island.
Ah, Dad, what are you talking about?
Jeannie, I've been thinking about things and
how much you mean to me, and...
how little time you and I have spent together these last few years
all of a sudden I realized what the heck am I doin' in Omaha
when you're out there and I can be with you.
you know, we should be together.
Wait, ummm...
You're coming now?
If I drive straight through, I'll be there in time for supper.
Umm, gosh, you know, I don't think so Dad. This is not a good idea.
Well, sure it is.
Don't tell me you couldn't use a little extra help with all those wedding arrangements
I'll help take the burden off.
The thing is, Dad, Roberta and I, and Jill, we've pretty much got everything under control
It's such a nice offer, but let's stick to plan, OK?
you get here a day or two before the wedding like we said.
I assume you won't object to me sending any more of those checks.
Jesus, Dad, I do not have time for this, OK?
you call me when you get home, okay?
Fine
- Bye, Jeannie - Bye, Dad
Dear Ndugu
How are you?
I'm fine
A week or so ago, I decided to take a little road trip
by my way to Jeannie's wedding out in Denver
Jeannie begged me to come out early
and help her with the arrangements but...
I told her I needed some time to myself.
I've decided to visit some places I haven't been to in a long time.
So much has happened in my life that I can't seem to remember.
Whole sections of my life that are just... gone.
So you might say I've been trying clear a few cobwebs from my memory.
My first stop was, none other than, Holdrege, Nebraska
I thought it would be enlightening to visit the house were I was born
67 years ago next April
We moved away from Holdrege when I was not much older than you
I've often wondered what our old house would be like today
Funny, I never forget the address.
12 Locust Ave
Yes sir...
12 Locust Ave
Can I help you, sir?
No thanks, I'm just looking around.
I used to live here
Here in the store?
yep
My childhood home's right on this spot.
In fact...
bedroom would have been right about here.
Living room over here and ah,
Well
That was a long time ago... before you were born.
Ring around the rosie, Warren! Warren!
Hey, mom!
Mommy loves you, Warren Yes she does...
Happy birthday, Warren...
You're not going to believe this
we used to have tire swing right out front here.
An awful lot had changed since my day but
It was still good to be home again
very good, indeed.
Next stop, Florence, Kansas
Where I paid a visit to my old alma mater, K.U.
I hadn't been there in years and years and...
now seemed like the perfect time to stop by.
I even managed to hook up with some kids at my old fraternity.
Beta Sigma Epsilon
Hence the company motto...
"As a Woodman clears the way"
Well, Ndugu
I highly recommend that you pledge a fraternity
when you go to college.
After that little walk down Memory Lane
it was tourist time for yours truly.
I made my way back to Nebraska
and stopped in at the Custer County historical museum in Brokenbow
to see their fine collection of arrowheads
Later that same day
I happened to meet a real Indian
or native American, as they like to be called now-a-days.
we had nice chat about the history of the area
and he really opened my eyes.
Those people got a raw deal. Just a raw deal.
Next stop, Buffalo Bill Cody's house in North Platte
What a remarkable man
you can read about him in the enclosed pamphlet.
I pulled the Adventurer over whenever I feel like stretching my legs,
taking in a local site, or browsing for antiques.
The other day for example, at an antique store in Kozad
I came across a fine collection of rare Hummel's
I guess never really appreciated how exquisitely crafted they are
and each one come with its own certificate of authenticity.
Helen loved Hummel's
Ahoy, there!
Yes?
I said ahoy.
Ahoy yourself
John Rusk, Au Clair, Wisconsin
Warren Schmidt, Omaha
Say, I hope I'm not disturbing you
I couldn't help noticing you got a new Adventurer.
- 35 footer, right? - That's right
What a beauty, huh? Man oh man.
Ya, I'm pretty happy with it.
Permission to step aboard, captain?
How's that?
- Can I take a look inside? - Oh sure, help yourself.
Thank you
Oh ya, jeez.
Look at all this room
These pop-outs really make a difference don't they?
Say you keep a mighty clean galley, mister
I've only been on the road a week.
You are kidding. This is your maiden voyage?
Ya
- and you're traveling solo? - That's right
Well holy Christ! You gotta come home for dinner we've got to celebrate
My Vicki is one heck of a cook.
I mean, if you're free, of course.
Well, I'll have to check my schedule.
Ahoy there
Ahoy!